Stand Up, Dust It Off and Walk.

Many times you will find that you can care so much about a person and do everything you can in your power to show it, and that person still ends up misinterpreting your actions and accuse you of being uncaring. It happens. And it will happen again. And I know it is hard to ignore or dissuage that guilt; even when you're convinced that you you did the right thing. I can only imagine how much harder it is for you.

Murakami said, sometimes, just by merely existing, you can damage another person beyond repair. I think he is right. Think about that. The truth is, we can do everything right and exactly as how someone wants it to be, and we would still have to deal with the ugliness that comes with the loss of a loved one. It doesn't matter what we did or didn't do; at the point when the decisions were made, they were done in good faith. And that is all that you need to know.

Guilt, painful as it is, is not meant to be carried around forever. That is not how it works. You have to accept this too: other people will never fully understand your suffering. They will never fully get your reasons for feeling so; they can only nod sympathetically or say nice things that will provide temporary relief. And they will judge you. They will pick a side.

So if you think it sucks right now, you will find out soon that it will suck some more. The only way to get through this is to look deeply inside you and search for that little bit of reserve bravery that you don't know where you store; and once you find it just hold on to it and let the other voices just become background noise. It never gets easier. Not at 28, not at 34, I'm sure as hell it won't get any easier at 44. There is no consolation. All we can do is stand up, dust it off and walk.

****

Words of encouragement from RA who provided me with support during a period of upheaval in my life.

Babe, I pass on all of the above to you now, together with Matchbox 20's 'Leave' until such time you don't need it anymore. May it give you the strength to ride this storm through. Once you're done, put the 'grief' in a box, lock and throw away the key. We're here for you... and I believe I say this for anyone who is 'your people'. *hugs*

Its amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all

Its unnerving
How just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell

I’m not saying there wasn’t nothing wrong
I just didn’t think you’d ever get tired of me
I’m not saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn’t wanna let it get away from me

But if that’s how its gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then well see who’s sorry now
If that’s how its gonna stand

When you know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out

Its aggravating
How you threw me on and you tore me out
How your good intentions turn to doubt
The way you needed time to sort it out

I'm not saying there wasn’t nothing wrong
I just didn’t think you’d ever get tired of me
I’m now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn’t wanna let it get away from me

But if that’s how its gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then well see who’s sorry now
If that’s how its gonna stand,
When you know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out

When you know you’re been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
Tell me is that how its going to end

When you know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out

Sometime around this time in April...

2005 - I started this blog as suggested by FF because I often flooded her comment boxes
2006 - Met with an unfortunate incident that affected me and those I hold very dear to my heart
2007 - Flew to Hong Kong for the second time and fell in love again
2008 - Was aiming for a Coffer and told myself I'll have one of my own, to have and to hold before I'm 30

I would not have seen myself moving down south although it was something I've wanted to do for the longest time.
I would not have seen myself being closer to my family although I'm living apart from them now.
I would not have seen myself living a life with you, and on the other hand, without you.
I would not have seen myself gaining some form of control over my finances.
I would not have seen myself being close to and touching a pink dolphin.
I would not have seen myself giving a second thought and considering on things I would normally say a definite 'no' to without a pause.

I'm a remnant of the person I used to be but the fundamentals still breathes in the girl who lives for mini happies now. I'm still the girl who longs to step foot in Paris one fine day (hopefully by next year), who's sticking to that chosen name for her son (IF she decides to bear a child and it will/MUST be a boy) and will be totally upset if someone she knows uses it, who still wants to have that perfect white bathtub (if she could) in her own home and more.

However, the desire to know the answers, and what happens next in entirety? Hhmm, not that compulsory now. I am fine with jigsaw puzzle pieces of it. And it's up to me to fit the pieces my way, how I like it. I navigate my own life after all. I set its course. And when the waves come crashing in and stormy weather follows, I shall make a detour and set a new course towards my hopes and dreams, even if it means taking the longer route.

And you... you keep me linked to my sanity and possess the magic to make me flutter when I'm flying low.

The 'A' Grade

I woke up at 4.02am last night. Immediately, the thought of Arsenal and Liverpool playing came to mind. In bed, I surfed the live ESPN commentary on my mobile and it was 1-1. I felt relieved then wham bamm, Liverpool took the lead thanks to Torres. Dammit. I told myself, that's it. Arsenal, (operative word being) tends to perform badly whenever I watch a game or for this instance witness it indirectly! Called B to complain and told him I was not going to stay up. If I do, Arsenal will lose! He laughed and I said bye. Tried to force myself to sleep but to no avail. I was already awake and worried. Somehow, the number 3 kept on appearing on my mind. I saw it floating and in the background was the Eiffel Tower.

At 4.28am, I received a sms from B -> Arsenal 3-2. 70th min. Arshavin with all the goals. Under the covers, I kicked and squealed in delight. See! When I take myself out of the spectator equation, they're on the winning end again. And the vision I had was trying to tell me just that, that Arsenal was going to secure their 3rd goal and the rationale for the Eiffel Tower? Arsene Wenger is French! I continued to toss and turn. Eager to know what was happening on the field. Subsequently at 4.55am, B sms-ed: 4-4. Arshavin scored all Arsenal goals. Great game.

I fell asleep after.

***
Liverpool will be kicking themselves for failing to see off Arsenal in one of the most thrilling matches Anfield has witnessed in many a season, quoted Yahoo! Sports. And the man of the match without a tinge of doubt was Andrey Arshavin. A four-goal play! The first striker since Dennis Westcott for Wolves in 1946 to have done so. Superb performance by the Russian!

Well done Arsenal. What a game it was. Mathematically, B said Arsenal stands a chance to seize the title but if there's no hope moving forward, may we beat the crap out of Man U next and give some leeway to Liverpool. Generally, I don't really care who wins (if it cannot be Arsenal), as long as it's not Man U. But if this is the case, I'll be rooting for Liverpool. It is my secondary team after all :) Furthermore when asked, Arsene Wenger refused to write off Liverpool's title hopes and believes the race is far from over.

And there you have it.

I'm not a beach-y kinda person...

...but I have to admit there was enjoyment during my time spent at the beach over the Easter break.

Anyone who knows me enough will say I don't vouch for long sun exposures thanks to UV radiation. However, I only applied sunscreen to my face (am not about to welcome early aging and pigmentation) and left out the neck down part of me due to pure laziness.

Surprisingly, the sun rays burning on my bare feet and body and the thought of being tanned didn't really bother me. For I actually had *gulp* fun in the sun.

From both our experience and sharing of thoughts, we already know and can picture the perfect itinerary for our next mystical island escapade.

There is no set date as yet but I am looking forward to fabulosity again.

I am still pissed with Lukasz Fabianski...

...and he will be the goalkeeper again for Arsenal's match against Liverpool in a Premier League match tonight/tomorrow morning. Crap. He better not screw up this time. The lost against Chelsea was absolutely devastating and disappointing. Sigh. I had a restless night of sleep after.

"I don't know what Arsene will be thinking about tomorrow but no matter what, Arsenal always try," United manager Ferguson said Monday. "That is the mantra of Arsene himself. He is a winner."

You can say that again Sir Alex. That is a fact. Strangely, I dreamed of Mr Wenger last night. In it, I was given the amazing opportunity of escorting him around the island, planning his itinerary and arranging for interviews with various broadcast channels. Needless to say, I had a ball! And I woke up feeling the mini happies this morning.

Arsene Wenger is a winner, indeed and he and his team have my support. It has been this way since I was 12. Furthermore, he happens to look like my dad (a Western version, that is) and it's a shared opinion with others who have commented without me having to point it out :)

Go Gunners!

My 1st Corporate Challenge

How lovely... purple balloons. Seen during the JP Morgan Corporate Challenge last week. Did I say I love the colour purple?

About 10,000 enthusiastic runners signed up and flocked Esplanade Drive - the starting point of the race.

The F1 Pit Building (which was where the race finished), with the Singapore Flyer in the background. Coincidentally, there was a wheel stoppage and operations were suspended on the day of my birthday last year.

Well, for fear of fainting anywhere along the 5.6km route (and embarassing the organisation where I work), I supported instead. Thou shall not attract unwanted attention, if you know what I mean. However after this experience, I must say I am motivated to sign up as a runner next year as a test to myself (I can hear a few surprise murmurs), to see how well I will fare. Seriously. Hhmm, definitely maybe... something to decide on if I am still in the corporate line when the time comes. We'll see...

Although I must say when it comes to walking, I have been doing so and more than ever in my 20+++ years of living since moving down to the island. I reckon my walking distance tolerance level (for non-shopping purposes) has risen dramatically.

It All Started with Bob...

'To Make You Feel My Love' was originally a song by Mr. Dylan and it has been covered by a string of singers from various genres of music, like Garth Brooks, Billy Joel, Josh Kelley, Bryan Ferry, Ronan Keating, Adele and most recently Kris Allen (he's so adorable!) from the latest season of American Idol. Coincidentally, my brother's friend goes to the same church as he does.

The lyrics what can I say, it's beautiful. You feel the love in the melody... I'm hooked. I reckon Bob was clearly in love when he wrote this song. Many of us take each other for granted after a while and rarely take the effort in showing our love to our other half (or better half) and the relationship gets mundane. Yes, the flames of a relationship will burn less as time goes by thanks to life taking its toll on us but once in a while (I'm not saying there should be a candle light dinner every weekend) it should be ignited again to remind two people of the love they share that exists, the love that brought them together as one where there's two less lonely people in the world. At the end of the day, words + action = confirmation and affirmation, and I am a firm believer in this principle. In addition, couple 'codes' (things that only the two of you know) e.g. a squeeze/sign exchange when the two of you meet and it's not conducive to display affection or *ahem* special names for certain body parts where the sun don't shine will help in keeping the Lovebuster at bay.

I digressed. I would marry and have the baby (let me say that I'm not a fan of motherhood, not yet) of the man who's inspired by me to create a dedication of love such as this. I'm a romantic at heart, after all :).

When the rain is blowing in your face

And the whole world is on your case

I could offer you a warm embrace

To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear

And there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years

To make you feel my love

I know you haven't made your mind up yet

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling down the avenue

There's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rollin' sea

And on the highway of regret

The winds of change are blowing wild and free

You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the earth for you

To make you feel my love

I'm still feeling the withdrawal symptoms from a fabulous escapade.

My next book buy, decided. I've always wanted to grab this title whenever I chance upon it at the bookstore but I often hesitate and a copy is placed back on the shelf. It won't happen the next time, as the excerpt below has convinced me.

"I'm looking for selfishness. Perfect selfishness. Like, say I tell you I want to eat strawberry shortbread. And you stop everything you're doing and run out and buy it for me. And you come back out of breath and get down on your knees and hold this strawberry shortbread out to me. And I say I don't want it any more and throw it out of the window. That's what I 'm looking for."

"I'm not sure that has anything to do with love," I said with some amazement.

"It does," she said. "You just don't know it. There are times in a girl's life when things like that are incredibly important."

"Things like throwing strawberry shortbread out of the window?"

"Exactly. And when I do it, I want the man to apologize to me. "Now I see, Midori. What a fool I've been! I should have known that you would lose your desire for strawberry shortbread. I have all the intelligence and sensitivity of a piece of donkey shit. To make it up to you, I'll go out and buy you something else. What would you like? Chocolate mousse? Cheesecake?"'

"So then what?"

"So then I'd give him all the love he deserves for what he's done."

"Sounds crazy to me."

"Well, to me, that's what love is. Not that anyone can understand me, though." Midori gave her head a little shake against my shoulder.

"For a certain kind of person, love begins from something tiny or silly. From something like that or it doesn't begin at all."

- Norwegian Wood by Haruki Murakami

***

Some research...

The book title is actually a song from The Beatles and was apparently inspired by Lennon's extramarital flings. Ironically, he wrote it while he was on a holiday with his first wife, Cynthia. The song is often mentioned in the novel, and is the favourite song of one of the characters, Naoko.

I once had a girl, or should I say, she once had me...
She showed me her room, isn't it good, norwegian wood?

She asked me to stay and she told me to sit anywhere,
So I looked around and I noticed there wasn't a chair.

I sat on a rug, bidding my time, drinking her wine,
We talked until two and then she said, "It's time for bed"

She told me she worked in the morning and started to laugh.
I told her I didn't and crawled off to sleep in the bath

And when I awoke, I was alone, this bird had flown

So I lit a fire, isn't it good, norwegian wood.

Mystical Island Easter Escapade

Home... for the next 3 days :)

There's gonna be... fabulosity.

Soulmate

Who doesn't long for someone to hold?
Who knows how to love you without being told...
- Natasha Bedingfield aka Mrs. Robinson

Solemn

"Hi babe, I took this in a gallery in Beijing.

Looked so much like you..."

I have a photograph taken when I was a flower girl for my aunt's wedding yonkers ago (I think I was 10) with the same expression and pose.

Hhmm, there's even a shadow of a butterfly behind her. How apt...

54

Happy Bird-day...

It's a joy to be able to celebrate today with you. Although we're flapping and fluttering on familiar territory, it feels like we're in a different place. A better place. A place we can call our own, where 'us' progresses to a whole new level.

I say this every year but these five words still hold true for me after all this time.

Thank you for being you...
Simply you.

I've just ordered one for myself...

... although I think I need two.

Do you sleep next to your shoes?

Do you scramble over your shoes boxes to look for a particular shoe every morning?

It's time to tidy your shoes with the Shoe Wheel!

Finally, a practical storage space for shoes. It was love at first sight... reminds me of size multiplied hamster wheel.

It's not exactly affordably priced at SGD129 but who's to say it's not worth that much if it does the trick and serves its purpose?

Available in four various colours (white, pink, black and silver), free delivery and assembly is provided with every order. Fabulous for those who are assembly-illiterate and/or plain lazy like me.

Alternatively, for those who have lesser shoes like the menfolk, there is the Shoe Pod at SGD109. It comes in two colours (black and silver) and fits heels as well.

I'm thinking this purchase might (more like most probably) bring forth more shoes as I will have space for new additions. Hhmm.... just in time for the two incoming pairs next month:)