Eve

Daybreak. Clean slate.

You dream. You wish. You make the switch.

Temptress. Emptiness.

Fill you with Love and God above.

So this is who I am.

A reminiscence. A face scarred. Lungs tarred.

You're never wrong. You knew all along.

It's just the alignment of the stars.

Head shaved. Soul saved.

The answers came more of the same until they fell away.

First taste. It came and went.

A heaven spent.

Too fast to feel it go to waste.

Goodbyes. Glassed eyes.

The edge of sleep. A numb so deep.

To silence the war inside.

I remember the chain of events before and after midnight last year. Remember them so clearly like it was yesterday. I was fresh and clean from a bathe, I blasted Crossfade's 'Cold' on my radio and I was heading to where you were.

You're my Genie... for only you can grant this Wish that I'm wishing for today, tonight.

Why do people get Married?

We need a witness to our lives...

There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.'

- Beverly Clarke in "Shall We Dance".

Always wanted to post this quote but don't know why I never got to it. Heard it again over the weekend by chance and I guess there's no escaping. Sigh, how true is it not? All boils down to the fact that nobody wants to be lonely...

It touched my heart and I believe it had the same effect on You, who saw the movie with me for the first time.

Please

Stomach seems twisted as if in a knot.
I'm worried... someone prove me wrong.

Standing In The Corner

... till I hear from you.

You left without saying... but then again you've not been generous with your words of late.

Thanks to me. I did a great job once more.

If you could be me for a day or just an hour you would see and feel all that is in my head and in my heart. It would all be so clear to you.

Silence... it can be tormenting and torturing. It's a killing.

Sigh, I'll live... just to die another day.

Thanks again I say to me, myself & I.

...

Lene Marlin's 'Disguise'

Have you ever felt some kind of emptiness inside
You will never measure up, to those people
You must be strong, can't show them that you're weak
Have you ever told someone something
That's far from the truth
Let them know that you're okay
Just to make them stop
All the wondering, and questions they may have

I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come

Have you ever seen your face,
In a mirror there's a smile
But inside you're just a mess
You feel far from good
Need to hide, 'cos they'd never understand

Have you ever had this wish, of being somewhere else
To let go of your disguise, all your worries too
And from that moment, then you see things clear

I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come

Lene understands...
Thank you CK for the discovery.

This Love

I had a good life before you came...
I had my friends and my freedom...
I had my name...
- Don Henley

This Love...is like nothing I've ever known but it's killing me and I don't think I can take it home.

Changing Lanes

You know how when you're driving and you change lanes thinking the other is faster than the one you're in. Then your original lane picks up and while you see streams of cars pass you by from behind you shrug and ask yourself, "Why did I change lanes?!"

Isn't life like this? We make our choices, we change lanes thinking it's for the better but sometimes it does not work out as expected.

No expectations, no disappointments...

...is what they say. However, this is not the case for even if we tell ourselves not to have any expectations, this very thought has already been embedded in us. We will be in denial and pushing away the obvious fact that we DID have expectations and merely telling ourselves not to have any because we don't have or should not have any. Expectations are fueled by hope and are like Jack's magic beans. Seeds that are planted by us and grow on their own force. Therefore, the saying only works if we never thought about having any in the first place. Not a flicker of a thought. Not an inch of brain cells processed towards it.

On the same note, I'm back from the circus. There were lots of attractions, many different rides and amusements. I seriously, honestly did not have expectations, didn't think about having any in the first place and hence, it worked out just fine. Was up to my neck most of the time but bolts of happiness did zap me every now and then. Somehow, a part of me wished the circus did not have to leave and I would remain perperpetually in a state of twilight zone where the days will replay over and over again and this is seemingly the segment of myself that stubbornly refuses to face up to my worries that exist outside the circus.

Nevertheless, the circus has left and life goes on...and I feel I need to be alone AND in the comforting company of my caregivers, those I love dearly and sometimes fail to acknowledge while I continue picking up the scattered pieces of me which started before the circus arrived to be whole again.

Too much of nothing so why don't we give it a try?

Too much of something we're gonna be living a lie...

I am proud of myself for not giving in to something which to me, will only contribute further to my complications, eventhough the moment was simply perfect. Was so easy to tip over but I held on. And for this, I have my heart and head to thank for. The one time they both guest starred and worked together. Conclusion? They make a good team. A strong union. A good balance. May this serve as a reminder. *mental note*

I am a conundrum to me, myself and I. To some as well I reckon. Will I ever solve the puzzle that I am? Will anyone be able to? Or has someone broken the code but I'm being plainly oblivious? Or am I aware but being voluntarily ignorant? Or am I naturally being too critical towards the girl in the mirror because I have high expectations of her?

Well, I cannot NOT have any expectations. Should I then lower my expectations and be less judgemental? Just give her a break and let her breathe, let loose once in a while, perhaps? Yes? No? Maybe?

Sigh, I am feeling frustrated-incorporated.

Everything seems shallow...God give me truth.

Away I Go... Again.

It seems that I'm doing more of the flying than you...

Namárië Birdy... I'll be back again :)

*proo proo*

We're Synchronized

You know you're your father's daughter when you both simultaneously do not one but three consecutive actions.

Location:
Mamak in Bangsar
Scenario 1:
Table was wet when we took our seats.
Action 1:
Both of us took a piece of tissue from the cutlery holder and started wiping the table dry to place our papers.
Scenario 2:
Our roti arrived. Cutlery was placed on top of it.
Action 2:
Both of us took a piece of tissue again and started wiping the oil off our fork and spoon.
Scenario 3:
Finished with our food.
Action 3:
Both of us took another piece of tissue, wiped our hands and the gravy droppings on the table and placed the dirty tissue on the plate.

Number of tissues sacrificed: 6 pink ones
Most popular action: Wiping

Think anyone observing us would have found our antics hilarious. I reckon my mom would have laughed her heart out.

Now I know where I got my OCD from. Genetically inherited.

On another note, a cover version of Mariah's 'We Belong Together' was played over breakie.

If you need an instant wake-me-up, it can do wonders I tell you. Listen to it over and over again and you can plead insanity for any crime.

It was marvellously h.o.r.r.e.n.d.o.u.s. *msn drop dead smiley*

Recklessness

For me, recklessness is often not a matter of choice, but a matter of necessity. If I don't act, not only nothing happens, but really nasty things happen. And so, to counter, I have to act--and more often than not--in bold, reckless manner. So that I not only stop the bad things from happening, but also to counter it. We've learned to think of the word "recklessness" with a negative way. That is sad. Very sad. For without a sense of recklessness, nothing happens. We have to have recklessness, and we have to be reckless so we can assert ourselves in a world that dares to wash out our existence. Recklessness is a manner of assertion, a proof of life. My reckless experience? All of my life, I've been reckless.

-DeeJay

I have been reckless too...

Have you been reckless?

It Was Love At First Sight

Dear Leafy,

Come... come... and arrive safe and sound in one piece on eager hands that can't wait to hold you... and wear you close to my heart.

If you do not meet my expectations, what can I say but once bitten, twice shy.

And if you should never arrive, this will be my first and last time with EBay.

Your new Mistress

The Oddness of Love

It's so odd, because love makes you accept the things that in normal circumstances, you would not consider, and it also makes you sacrifice the things that you usually wouldn't think of sacrificing.

- Minishorts

She hit me right on target there.

110%.

Changing You, Changing Me

She picked up her first cigarette the day he said goodbye.
She quit because he didn't like the smell that lingered on her.
She went back to the habit when they broke up.
 
They say never change for anyone, even more so for the one we love for we should be loved just the way we are.
 
I believed in this, I still do but I think I have somehow shifted my perspective a little.
 
The thing is, what if we changed in the context that we were willing to but with a slight tinge of hesistance?
 
That it was voluntarily reluctance after some excessive nagging, countless disagreements and endless expressions and pursuits of individuality?
 
That it was all in the name of peace and betterment of a relationship. That it was because of Luuurvvve...
 
Are we still fundamentally a 'Me, Myself & I' entity? Have we then changed the basics of us?
 

...................
 
Here goes my thoughts...
 
If we change because of someone and if we do it willingly but hesitantly, voluntarily but reluctantly, there's no harm done. HOWEVER, the person who influenced the change or to whom the change was intended for should be and MUST be worth it. 
 
To determine their worth,  no one can calculate this but us alone where we have to evaluate for ourselves with the use of our heart and head. But ever so often, it is the heart that takes up a huge portion. No use in denying this.

Make it clear to the person that you are changing or trying to so he/she is are aware of the fact that you are reacting towards the situation. Give and state your reason/s why.

If you derive happiness and acceptance from your (as I am putting it) 'charitable act', good on you. But if you find yourself clenching your fists and silently growing a grudge only to let it out at the most inappropriate of moments, then there has to be a re-evaluation of the change. A post mortem from the outcome of the change which has to be conducted by you AND together with the person involved.

 

However, if the person does NOT appreciate your act of charity and fails to acknowledge and make contributions in support of the change, then perhaps they're not worth it after all and you would have discovered something you didn't see initially. 

 

This is where you gain 'Clarity through Charity'.
 
Just don't say that the person made you do it, or you were forced into it, if the relationship checks into Heartbreak Hotel. After all, it was a charitable act eventhough you were hesitant and reluctant in the first place.
 
For you are your own judge and no one could have made you do it unless you obliged. 

 

And it's not like you were held at gunpoint.

 

 

WHAT SAY YOU?

In the Brim of One's Eye