Stand Up, Dust It Off and Walk.

Many times you will find that you can care so much about a person and do everything you can in your power to show it, and that person still ends up misinterpreting your actions and accuse you of being uncaring. It happens. And it will happen again. And I know it is hard to ignore or dissuage that guilt; even when you're convinced that you you did the right thing. I can only imagine how much harder it is for you.

Murakami said, sometimes, just by merely existing, you can damage another person beyond repair. I think he is right. Think about that. The truth is, we can do everything right and exactly as how someone wants it to be, and we would still have to deal with the ugliness that comes with the loss of a loved one. It doesn't matter what we did or didn't do; at the point when the decisions were made, they were done in good faith. And that is all that you need to know.

Guilt, painful as it is, is not meant to be carried around forever. That is not how it works. You have to accept this too: other people will never fully understand your suffering. They will never fully get your reasons for feeling so; they can only nod sympathetically or say nice things that will provide temporary relief. And they will judge you. They will pick a side.

So if you think it sucks right now, you will find out soon that it will suck some more. The only way to get through this is to look deeply inside you and search for that little bit of reserve bravery that you don't know where you store; and once you find it just hold on to it and let the other voices just become background noise. It never gets easier. Not at 28, not at 34, I'm sure as hell it won't get any easier at 44. There is no consolation. All we can do is stand up, dust it off and walk.

****

Words of encouragement from RA who provided me with support during a period of upheaval in my life.

Babe, I pass on all of the above to you now, together with Matchbox 20's 'Leave' until such time you don't need it anymore. May it give you the strength to ride this storm through. Once you're done, put the 'grief' in a box, lock and throw away the key. We're here for you... and I believe I say this for anyone who is 'your people'. *hugs*

Its amazing
How you make your face just like a wall
How you take your heart and turn it off
How I turn my head and lose it all

Its unnerving
How just one move puts me by myself
There you go just trusting someone else
Now I know I put us both through hell

I’m not saying there wasn’t nothing wrong
I just didn’t think you’d ever get tired of me
I’m not saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn’t wanna let it get away from me

But if that’s how its gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then well see who’s sorry now
If that’s how its gonna stand

When you know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out

Its aggravating
How you threw me on and you tore me out
How your good intentions turn to doubt
The way you needed time to sort it out

I'm not saying there wasn’t nothing wrong
I just didn’t think you’d ever get tired of me
I’m now saying we ever had the right to hold on
I just didn’t wanna let it get away from me

But if that’s how its gonna leave
Straight out from underneath
Then well see who’s sorry now
If that’s how its gonna stand,
When you know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out

When you know you’re been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out
Tell me is that how its going to end

When you know you’ve been depending on
The one you’re leaving now
The one you’re leaving out