Being HERO-ic...

This morning…

I was injected with a dose of happiness
In the midst of all the mind’s madness
Though what I feel may be a temporary pleasure
I will enjoy this momentary lapse of leisure
Until I surrender, once again to life’s pressures

Last night…

I had dinner at a ‘high-class’ mamak nearby my place of work. From the moment I placed my fat deprived butt in the CoffeeBean like chairs, I noticed a couple who was about to break fast. I know it's rude to stare. Know how it feels like being stared at but then again, I couldn’t help but be entertained by their so-called ‘lovey dovey antics’, mainly by the male protagonist whom I shall fondly call Hero.

Let me describe Hero to enable easier visualization. Hero is a scrawny skinny fella. A darker version of Harry Potter, complete with the oval framed glasses. His Hermione is not so much of a Hermione look-alike but she did come with her own head cloak if you know what I mean. Let’s call her Haminah.

But the focus here is on Hero and his hands which I have named Touchy. Touchy is one helluva avid explorer I tell you.

First, Touchy ran his boney structure on Haminah’s left thigh. Then he continued to her face, giving her ‘sayang’ gestures. After that Touchy got all ‘concerned’ about Haminah’s blouse and started to give her shoulder the rub-a-dub-dub, conveniently proceeding to adjusting her button on her chest area. Next, Touchy traveled down to work on the left thigh again but this time he was more adventurous and moved up to the higher regions of it, caressing it slowly but surely and gently. And the whole time this was happening, Hero and Haminah were sitted so closely they looked like Siamese twins joined at the hips, legs crossed with the occasional footy movements to compliment. The three of them were having a circus of a time, oblivious to their environment.

Talk about generous and open displays of affections in public. There is a limit people! If you can’t control yourselves, get a room where you can enjoy each other, skin on skin to your bodies, stamina and lust content. If you can't pleasure yourselves within the confines of your homes, there are places that offer cheap hourly rates. How do I know? Because I work in the city and banners are plastered everywhere. Do everybody a favour please.

Some might contradict my opinion by saying, “No one ask you to look what…look away lar!”

Yes, true but sometimes one can’t help themselves…for we all have observing eyes and enquiring minds. Anyone denying this deserves a smack on the face. Don’t kid yourself. Thank you very much :).

Ok, enough said. I shall now wash myself off Hero, Haminah and Touchy. May my description of them and their antics be vivid enough for you to run a mental re-enactment of the scene to enjoy and be haunted by :P.

Happy HELL-O-Ween guys and gals...

Counting Down The Days...

I know...I know...I'm hinting on cyberspace...

Sigh...have I reached an all time low?

Said to a bird yesterday, "Think I need to see a psychiatrist..."

The bird replied, "Psychiatrists are overrated. You pay them just to have a "professional" affirmation of things you probably already know..."

Hhmm...in a way there is truth in what my feathered friend said. For all I know, the psychiatrist could turn out to be wackier than I am.

Anyhow, think I will make a good psychological specimen. Will be interesting to gain an insight of myself from a psychological perspective. Anybody looking for a study subject?

After all, the mind is a crazy beautiful thing...where our darkest, most sinister thoughts roam freely with no barbwire fences restricting them.

Imagine the chaos if we let them come out and play in full force, releasing them into reality. They would be having a jolly good time I reckon, dancing and prancing in all their splendour and magnitude.

Insanity happens when the bridge that links us back to sanity becomes impassable because some important, vital planks have gone missing.

We see our sane self screaming from the other end...calling to us...and every so often the planks successfully join back together again, allowing a safe passage through...

I hope my planks never disappear for good. But then again even if they do, I might never know what struck me...for do the insane know when they're insane? Will they have recollections of their sane self and long to be sane again? If they have no memories whatsoever and grasp a perpetual state of happiness...isn't that a good deal?

Black Coffee Me

Me: I feel like taking a hiatus in my life…going missing in action for a while to find myself, to know what I want. Disappearing to somewhere, anywhere but here.

Mini Me: Why? You can’t escape life and its circus. You have to face it. Not hide from it. You can't keep running away.

Me: I’m choking from all the phlegm infested problems and worries that I have ultimately brought onto myself and the inequities that have befallen me. I'm barely breathing. I'm gasping for air. I wish I was not me...haunted by my own fears. I wish I was simpler.

Mini Me: If you continue to rant and not do anything about it, you have only yourself to blame. Life is what you make of it. Face up. Stop this nonsence.

Me: I know all whining, complaining and no action will only ensure that I maintain in this pathetic position which can only guarantee me a permanent place in the rut I am stuck in. I just need to vent out my frustrations, ok?! Can you allow me this?! On top of everything that’s on my confused, used and abused mind more things have crept up lately to add to my already heavy pile of burdensome thoughts. I'm suffocating...

Mini Me: Fine. I will listen to you. But you know this can’t go on forever. Don’t be a coward. Manage the situation as it comes or else you will drown in your own shit.

Me: I will resurface, rise from the depths of despair sooner or later but for now I am swimming in an ocean of uncertainties and wretchedness until I am washed ashore. Call it wallowing in self pity but this is how I choose to play at this moment.

Mini Me: You should hope for a better tomorrow for there is always a scenario far worse than the one you are already in. You are luckier than some people. No one other than me will feel what you truly feel deep down inside. No one other than me will know what goes on in that disturbed head of yours when you're kept awake in the middle of the night. I am just the logical, sane part of you that can influence you but I can't make you move, do you understand? You should relish in the fact that there are people who care about you and who will be around with their support and love.

Me: I understand. I am aware of this and I am thankful for it. I so am. Amen. I guess every little thing only time will tell. I know I can't avoid the obvious anymore. I just have to gather enough courage and put my heart into doing the right thing for once and see it through to whatever conclusion it entails.

Mini Me: Open your eyes…open up wide…beyond your selfish reasons and start packing your bags for a new beginning…

Me: Sigh…that will inexorably signal the start to delayed endings which I have been dreading. I am afraid. That I won't be able to chew, swallow and digest the consequences. I am so afraid.

Mini Me: Banish your fears and doubts if you want your life to return to a time where it was good, manageable and carefree. Enough is enough.

Me: Just shoot me please.

Mini Me: If I could, I would…but I can’t so I won’t.

Me: Fuck you.

Mini Me: Go ahead, be my guest. You’re only screwing yourself at the end of the day.

Shitty Thursday but I found Me, Myself & I

Was searching for a company's (Strass Media) website. Guess what I found under the search results at no. 8...

The powers that be summoned me back to a true Capricorn! Me, Myself & I aka dear Fay Fay who I reckon is blossoming now :). What a pleasant surprise when I was just thinking about her...Cooool.

The Raincoat

She put on her raincoat, although outside the sun was shining bright. She felt safe and secure but She was burning inside.

He came one October day and saw her from beneath her sweaty decay. He offered to hold on to her raincoat. To her it will be returned if the rain should fall, He took note. She was reluctant at first but and after some time, She couldn’t decline. Wherever She went, there He would be and the raincoat, incase it should come in handy. She looked at it every now and then. Always keeping it from within a comfortable distance.

Slowly but surely, He wished the raincoat She would forget. For if it rains, He would do his best to protect her from getting wet. But She was afraid of letting the raincoat go. It has been her shield from the rain, the wind, the cold. He tried his best to gain her trust but the raincoat remained something She had to grasp.

She was spoiled for the raincoat and He.

She knew his intentions were true and saying goodbye to the raincoat would one day be due. She was doing fine without it for a month or so but one fateful night, She said impulsively, “Don’t hug me, the raincoat will see…”

He was broken hearted and hurt. She was guilty and deeply sorry.

She is confused, torn and shattered in all her folly.

But soon, She will have to open her eyes…look from beyond her disguise, wake up and see...that reality is just as it should be.

Miracles happen but not in this story.

Life Cycle

It seems that there is a standard timetable to go through life nowadays that corresponds with one’s age.

Time to study? 18-22
Time to work? 22-55
Time to buy a house? 30-40
Time to get married? 27 - 35
Time to have kids? 30-40
Time to retire? 50-55

Let’s take the most evidently impactful among the above as an example which is undoubtedly marriage and kids. Makes sense knowing that these two will be the biggest commitments that anyone will undertake in their life. Moreover, it is in the mechanics of the human species to procreate and multiply. I’m sure that many have felt the nudge given by parents, grandparents, aunties, uncles etc when they are at the 'ripe' age. Some automatically fit themselves into the mould while others tend to drag on a little but eventually succumbing to requests or obligations.

The thing is...have we stopped, taken a breather…and ask ourselves what is it that we really want? Are we doing the very thing that makes us brings us joy OR giving in to make others happy? Do we want to live our lives according to what is governed by the society around us? To what is acceptable and adhering to the so-called standard guidelines in the book of life culture has created? Simply just because it is the normal ways of the world...?

Of course, there are always the rebels with a cause. Those who choose to not conform to the norm and have decided at a point to steadfastly live their life differently.

To have relationships but never settling down.

To live with their partner but never heading down the aisle.

To be blissfully married but never starting a family.

To be single but having a child of their own.

To never owning a property and renting throughout their life.

To never be swallowed by the material monster of the world and leading a simple life.

To have no commitments, be in love with the world and seeing as much of it as possible.

May not always be the easiest choice to make as there are those who will not understand, those that stare with cold eyes but as long as the doings of someone does not break the law or hurt anyone in the process, who’s to point fingers? I don’t see the wrong in taking the bold step. If feelings are at risk, then it is a question of whether one can accept and live with the consequences of their actions. We have all but one life to live. Heck, if we do something that someone does not favour and if it does not affect their live in any way whatsoever, then so be it unless we care about them. We can’t always make everyone happy all the time. Sometimes we have to turn on the narcissist button inside ourselves. Life is not fair anyway. For every win, someone must fail. Inhale and exhale, life continues.

If the culture does not work for you, don’t buy it.

Morrie Schwartz in ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’

The saddest thing would be to find out later on in life that where you are, who you are is due to conformity and you realize it is not something you can continue living with. Think Julianne Moore’s character in the movie The Hours for those who have watched it. Bear in mind, I do not discriminate those that buy the culture. I am happy for them. I will dance with them in their parade and not rain on it. There is nothing wrong with following the norm...it’s a matter of whether we find happiness in it or not.

For me, the notion to be different is like a seed that is ever growing in me and I am yet to find out my calling. Will I bloom to be one of those rare beautiful flowers or be among the jolly lolly green grass that is spread out in the open field? Either or, neither nor…let me reiterate once again that there is no right or wrong path as long as one can live with themselves and gain contentment.

Only God above knows what’s in store and what I will ultimately do with the rest of my life. But what I know is that I don’t want to live with poignant anxieties that stem from bittersweet memories.

Sigh...I AM my own worst enemy.

Ear-risistible!

Had my virgin lunch visit at Sugimoto in Hartamas (Good Jap food...I recommend!) and on the way to the car park after, a bunting with the words 'Ear Candling' caught my eye. Asked KG what was it about but he had no idea. Curious...I yahoo-ed it and below are my findings. Tagline used was somewhat unusually normal - 'Simply EARrisistible!'.

A Brief History of Ear Candling by Cheryl Ashby, C.C.T.
Ear Candling is not a new alternative therapy. Dating back to the year 2500 B.C. there is evidence showing that people used and were familiar with the practice of ear candling. Ancient cultures, including the Egyptians, made reference to its use. Parchment scrolls discovered in the Orient, also have described the procedure for ear candling.

Through a process called "convection". . . softer waxes and toxins will be drawn out of the ear, oxidized and turned into vapors during the procedure. This simple and time-proven therapy can be very effective in removing old and troublesome blockages from the ear canal, without the use of solutions or probes. Many people are rediscovering the value of Ear Candling to cleanse the ear canal and sinus passages. Ear Candling is a good example of how an almost forgotten simple and natural therapy, is now being used effectively to solve many problems associated with the ear.

Skeptic.com

Ear candling or coning is a method of cleaning the ears and the mind, which allegedly alleviates a host of physical, emotional and spiritual ailments. A hollow candle is stuck into the ear and lit, allegedly sucking out earwax and negative energy. The process is ineffective for earwax removal. I don't know how anyone knows whether it sucks out energy, positive or negative.

What wax appears in the cone is from the melted candle, not from the ears. The suction created by the coning flame is insufficient to remove wax, which, by the way, is good for you. It traps dust and dirt and helps fight infections. Though some people fear that coning will leave them mindless, the only real dangers are from burning, infection, obstruction of the ear canal and perforation of the eardrum.

I took out my tonsils when I was 12 as my sinus problem got so bad until I was at risk of going deaf. But hell, no way am I gonna let anyone insert a candle in my ear.

And there you have it.

What Goes In MUST Come Out

Tummy was bloated for the past few days and I noticed my bowel movements have been somewhat non existent. Tried to flush out but all attempts failed. Bought some laxatives and out came everything gross and unimaginable. Detox-ed myself to the max. Yeah, it's good but the pain was unbearable. There came a point where I was pulling my hair and clenching my fists.

Now I feel all light and weak. Tummy's numb from working overtime and what's left are the remains of yesterday...*sniff*

Conversation with iGOD

In my blender state of mind, I decided to talk to iGod.

• Me: i would like to confess
• God:Why would you want to do it? Interesting. I want to find out more about you.
• Me: because i have been sinning for a long time
• God:That makes sense to me. Where were you sinning for a long time?
• Me: here on earth
• God:Oh there.
• Me: where else?? hell?
• God:Quite a few places. Heaven.
• Me: i don't think sin exists in Heaven
• God:And why not?
• Me: because Heaven is supposed to be a holy place
• God:Interesting explanation. And supposed to be a holy place is Heaven.
• Me: you should know better
• God:Now I do.
• Me: hhmm...
• God:Try saying that with more or less context.
• Me: i think this is lame but i do look forward to your answers
• God:You think I am lame but you do look forward to my answers.
• Me: yes.
• God:Next question?
• Me: hhmm...
• God:Can you speak any foreign languages?
• Me: nope i can't
• God:You must be American. Why not?
• Me: i am not american. i am malaysian
• God:I am surprised to hear that you are not american. Do you mean your name is malaysian.
• Me: nope...i am from malaysia
• God:Me either. What is it like growing up there? Tell me a little about your life in malaysia.
• Me: life is happy and sad at times
• God:Oh, happy and sad at times is it.
• Me: thatz what i said
• God:Oh, you are a poet.
• Me: i am not
• God:What are you then?
• Me: i am perfectly flawed
• God:Do you mean your name is flawed.
• Me: no i don't
• God:I heard you did.
• Me: u don't get me
• God:Do you know any robots who get you? I HAVE gotten you.

...I have been gotcha-ed by iGod. Great :P

Need a supposedly holy one to talk to? Check out http://www.titane.ca/concordia/dfar251/igod/main.html

Finding Fault

Okay, I’ve managed to digest one thought.

Irritation.

How many of us have gotten irritated with someone because of something they did/didn’t do, or said/didn’t say? Plenty of times I reckon.

But how many of you have felt irritated with someone when they have done nothing at all, when they had no intention to whatsoever?

I have.

It’s as though something about them just ticked your tolerance level and you don't have a clue where the source of it lies. You find that they are way off your consideration scale and sometimes it can get to a point where their 'innocent' presence just becomes unbearable and you start hurling generous defensive remarks, saying things that you swear by at that very moment but ultimately really don’t after you have cooled down.

When the drama is over and the credits are rolling, the only person who played the irritant and the irritated is none other than us and us alone.

Sigh…someone tell me I am not a lone rider in this.

Just a Girl in The World...

I have a thousand and one things on my mind but I can't even single one out and find an avenue of expression for it.

I'm lost for letters and alphabets...

I've plummeted to a wordless ravine...

I'm blocked...

I'm just a girl, who knows where she wants to go, what she wants to do, & where she wants to be....I’m just a girl, who doesn’t know how to get there.
- Lainey Lashes

I'm just a girl...standing right in front of a boy...asking him to love her...
- Julia Roberts in 'Notting Hill'

I'm just a girl, what's my destiny? What I've succumbed to is making me numb. I'm just a girl, my apologies...what I've become is so burdensome. I'm just a girl, lucky me...twiddle-dum there's no comparison...
- No Doubt