Black Coffee Me

Me: I feel like taking a hiatus in my life…going missing in action for a while to find myself, to know what I want. Disappearing to somewhere, anywhere but here.

Mini Me: Why? You can’t escape life and its circus. You have to face it. Not hide from it. You can't keep running away.

Me: I’m choking from all the phlegm infested problems and worries that I have ultimately brought onto myself and the inequities that have befallen me. I'm barely breathing. I'm gasping for air. I wish I was not me...haunted by my own fears. I wish I was simpler.

Mini Me: If you continue to rant and not do anything about it, you have only yourself to blame. Life is what you make of it. Face up. Stop this nonsence.

Me: I know all whining, complaining and no action will only ensure that I maintain in this pathetic position which can only guarantee me a permanent place in the rut I am stuck in. I just need to vent out my frustrations, ok?! Can you allow me this?! On top of everything that’s on my confused, used and abused mind more things have crept up lately to add to my already heavy pile of burdensome thoughts. I'm suffocating...

Mini Me: Fine. I will listen to you. But you know this can’t go on forever. Don’t be a coward. Manage the situation as it comes or else you will drown in your own shit.

Me: I will resurface, rise from the depths of despair sooner or later but for now I am swimming in an ocean of uncertainties and wretchedness until I am washed ashore. Call it wallowing in self pity but this is how I choose to play at this moment.

Mini Me: You should hope for a better tomorrow for there is always a scenario far worse than the one you are already in. You are luckier than some people. No one other than me will feel what you truly feel deep down inside. No one other than me will know what goes on in that disturbed head of yours when you're kept awake in the middle of the night. I am just the logical, sane part of you that can influence you but I can't make you move, do you understand? You should relish in the fact that there are people who care about you and who will be around with their support and love.

Me: I understand. I am aware of this and I am thankful for it. I so am. Amen. I guess every little thing only time will tell. I know I can't avoid the obvious anymore. I just have to gather enough courage and put my heart into doing the right thing for once and see it through to whatever conclusion it entails.

Mini Me: Open your eyes…open up wide…beyond your selfish reasons and start packing your bags for a new beginning…

Me: Sigh…that will inexorably signal the start to delayed endings which I have been dreading. I am afraid. That I won't be able to chew, swallow and digest the consequences. I am so afraid.

Mini Me: Banish your fears and doubts if you want your life to return to a time where it was good, manageable and carefree. Enough is enough.

Me: Just shoot me please.

Mini Me: If I could, I would…but I can’t so I won’t.

Me: Fuck you.

Mini Me: Go ahead, be my guest. You’re only screwing yourself at the end of the day.