Have You Ever?

Have you ever noticed that the worst way to miss someone is when they are right beside you, and yet you can never have them...when the moment you can't feel them under your fingertips, you miss them?

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most saying something and wishing you had not, or saying nothing and wishing you had?

Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing whatever you already had with that person?

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had and that person was afraid to let you? Or scared to let someone love you because you're afraid they might hurt you?

Have you ever loved someone and they had absolutely no idea whatsoever? Or fell for your best friend in the entire world, and then sat around and watched him/her fall for someone else?

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle? And all you can do is sit around and wait until the day comes when you sum up enough courage to tell him/her how you feel about them...

Too many of us stay walled because we are too afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person do not care as much (Anon). Some build this forcefield when they feel no one understands them and the world is just staring accusingly with blank eyes. Others do not want to be a burden to the people they care about and choose to keep their emotions to themselves even though it means being alone in the dark. Whatever the reason, we all have our reservations and lasting impressions made in our hearts and minds, body and soul. Depending on the root of the impact, certain impressions can supply us with a lifetime's worth of the positive or the negative - of pain or pleasure, grief or content, happiness or sadness.

Learning to live with the negatives is the hardest thing to do. How do we deal with letting go of a fantasy and accepting reality? Is it because we're consciously aware about diving into unchartered territory? Could it be that we've gotten so used to swimming in murky waters that it has ironically become comfortable and safe? How we do convince ourselves that moving on to clearer shores is for the best of us? How do we pacify ourselves that life goes on, we should inhale and exhale for no matter what happens...it does not wait...it has no stops...

There are those who prepare themselves for an anticipated loss by closing their eyes and imagining the feeling, taking deep breaths like a practice drill hoping to be equipped mentally with enough strength so that when it strikes them, it won't cause as much anguish. Maybe it might feel familiar, a sense of deja vu...making it easier to live through and get over. Nevertheless, nothing will beat the actual run for there's no turning back with it. Withdrawal symptoms are guaranteed to be experienced...the painful after-effects and the void of something that was so much a part of your life that it was all you lived for but somehow it morphed to be the bane of your existence. In the end, you wished everything was merely a figment of your imagination...but you know otherwise for it was as real as can be, fulfilling and consuming the very depths of you. However, what's in store could ultimately be emancipation. No more worries, no more uncertainties, no more scrutinizing. Opening the door to possibilities of rapture.

A bosom friend had said in her blog:
"Sometimes, we wanted to own something so much, that we blind ourselves from the forces outside. And if we do feel the vibration, we choose to ignore. If love has become an encumbrance, why do we still pursue? Things happened. Things end. Things continue. We are constantly living in a roundabout manner. I feel the suffocation of what life is teaching"

...I feel for her and her words. We are the purveyors of each other. I am choking too, gasping, barely breathing...and struggling to find the air. My hands are clinging on to a bitter-so sweet past while legs are wrapped around a skeptical-hopeful future...

I'm torn in between and my faith is wearing out.