Shiny Happy Me

So many things in my head are screwing around with me and the only time I think is everyday and all night through. It’s driving me crazy, nuts, ballistic...some days I think I am threading on a thin line with insanity. All it takes would be a little tip me over to the other side. Have been keeping my distance from the world. Turning a blind eye towards it. Just don't wanna care anymore. What’s the use?! Why should I when it only leads to pain and heartache? Where all of my intentions are misinterpreted when I try to cater to those that matter.

There’s nothing left to lose…no more heart to bruise…

Every damn thing seems to be irritating the shit out of me. Life and its parts have gone bloody haywire. I have placed people who care about me at a distance. Don’t mean to but I treasure my support system too much to let them be tormented by me for I can be unnerving and difficult. Don’t feel like talking and when I try to start, I just end up speechless. The words just don’t come out and I swallow them back into the depths of me. Better to just shut the fuck up.

There’s a hole in my soul…and I’m losing control…

The only person who truly understands how I feel is myself. Well, God and I to be exact. When someone says, "I know how you feel....", do they REALLY know how you feel? If you can feed into the depths of my heart, see what's consuming it,, absorb every emotion that is triggered, find a way into my mind and discover its thoughts that ravage me…then YES you do know how I feel.

Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not…

Excuse me but I'm in a cynical mood. Always wrapped in things I cannot win. I’m sick and tired. I’ve lost my navigation. I’m drifting aimlessly. I used to know what I want. Just didn’t know how to get there. Currently, I don’t know what I want anymore so to hell with how am I going to arrive at the destination. We are given the blue and red pill. We live with our choice. There is bound to be happiness that is to be derived somewhere, somehow.

Sometimes we don’t get what we want. We get what we need...

A good friend said, “I miss the old you last time. Will be great to have her back. The jolly you.” Maybe I will be back. Maybe not. Maybe there won’t be a cure. Only time will tell. For now, I’m bitter, cold and gloomy. A storm is raging inside.

Sigh, sometimes, I miss the old me too.

There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery a time when you were happy…