Sinful Me

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

One of my favourite lines from the Bible which has been playing on my mind lately. I'm not the avid church go-er kinda person. I do try and make it a point to attend service as many Sundays as I can but that's all I contribute. Sometimes I've ashamed to call myself a Christian because I don't display all the wonderful attributes that Christians are expected to carry with them. When I look at someone who's dedicated and committed to their church, by getting involved in activities, fundraising, cell groups, bible study etc, a part of me really admires them. Are their lives happier and more fulfilled than mine? Do they face the same self inflicted problems that I do? Is everything in their lives governed by the words of the Bible no matter what and they will obey regardless of how they feel?

Some church people have tried coercing me into joining their causes but I have politely declined. I can't see myself doing those things, no sirree. Maybe it's because of the way I choose to live my life and the influences that have seeped through me during my teenage years that has made me the way I am today. Not very church orientated. Not anti but somewhat reluctant. My acceptance level is just permanently low.

However, this does not relinquish the faith I have in the One above. Let's take Christianity out of the focus here and take all religion into consideration. True or false. Most of us only resort to religion when there's no other way out? When we meet a dead end in our lives and there's no mortal being who can help us in our woeful troubles?

I am guilty of this. I should change. I need to be granted the serenity to accept things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Pre-Confession: I am skipping service tomorrow to catch up on sleep. Had a tipsy night before and am unbelievably hyper till now. Total hours of shut eye last night: 3 hours and 10 mins (6am - 7 am, 7.30 - 8.15am, 8.30am - 9.55am). To add to the excuse, I plan to visit The Aquarium and have lunch at Paddington's The Curve. Longing for #403 in the menu which is my favourite and the only thing I have when I'm there. Besides, it's what I can almost finish and stuff down my throat. In addition, I have to show my face at some work related event at 3 pm after so...

!!!Current Emotional State!!!

Agitated.Restless.Bored.Vulnerable to outbursts.Tantrum prone.Insensitive.Sulky.Attention seeking.Defensive.Irritable.

I am at war with myself. Think I should lock myself in a cupboard, throw away the key and miraculously be able to smash my way out only when the battle is over as others might suffer my wrath. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with me, myself and I. Is this all necessary I ask myself. Perhaps it is not but this is the way I feel. Sigh, the solution is simple yet so bloody effective.

Signing off, Unwell Me

The song which has been looping over and over again like a broken record on my playlist...

'Caramel' by Suzanna Vega (love it to bits)

It won't do to dream of caramel,
to think of cinnamon
and long for you.

It won't do to stir a deep desire,
to fan a hidden fire
that can never burn true.

I know your name, I know your skin,
I know the way these things begin...

But I don't know how I would live with myself,
what I'd forgive of myself, if you don't go.

So goodbye, sweet appetite,
no single bite could satisfy...

I know your name, I know your skin,
I know the way these things begin...

But I don't know, what I would give of myself,
how I would live with myself
if you don't go.

It won't do to dream of caramel,
to think of cinnamon
and long for you...