...

Last night I sat on my bed and read about lost love, of abandonment. I have blinds as curtains but never look out at night for I'm afraid of what I might see flying outside. Felt like taking a drive down to KLIA or up to Genting for some tea or hot choc. Was inspired but demotivated at the same time. Wanted to do either but not with my shadow as company. I did not want to cry. I did not want to be in despair. I did not want to find solace. I did not want to trap myself within. I did not know what to do. I looked at myself in the mirror and just stared into space. I gazed at the little girl in the photograph. She looked pretty and unencumbered in her white lacey bridesmaid dress. Who would have known she would grow up to become one with the girl who was looking back at me. A disappointment? A bundle of joy? An aggravation? A breath of fresh air? She is all of those now...unfortunately to her dismay and to others, more of the negatives.

I got tired of thinking and hoping that the night would take a different route. So I drifted into deep sleep, escaping into unconsciousness where there's peace, where I could hide from what's been playing at the back of my membrane for it has ruled my train of thoughts for hours.

Tomorrow's another day to wake up to and go by...as I keep gathering my strength from God knows only where, to face the known unknown. In nights like yesterday, what separates the world and I is a layer, like cling-wrap in which I wear in times when I feel so alone. Though transparent, it provides just the touch of protection I need where my arms are crossed in embrace with its opposite shoulders. It's a forcefield in which I think you can penetrate but I sense the losing of grip. I strive to do my best, what I can to lessen the strife between you and I. Perhaps I'm just selfish but I bleed and I taste the blood too...

Please don't misunderstand me. Of all people you should comprehend me.

I want you to be the one who will.