Non-Ex|stent

Everyone has their own lives to lead. And most of everybody has a plan. Things they're working towards on. Whether short term or for the long haul. And it struck me last weekend. Suddenly. This realization within the four corners of my comfort space. While I was doing a Monica. Sorting out some under the bed stash.

 

I DON'T HAVE A PLAN.

And it worried me so..........

My non-existent plan unremittingly catered to and troubled me. Kept me awake staring at the ceiling. I tried to rationalize but the mind only managed to process vacant thoughts until I drifted into restless slumber. At 7am, dad came into my room. Switched off the air-con and drew the blinds that immediately welcomed the sunlight, in a bid to get me up for church. Thought I'll make the initiative and dragged myself out of bed as I have not made an appearance for yonks.

 

Come church, in a state of semi consciousness I reached for the weekly bulletin and noticed the sermon title. I repeated it silently again. And again. Eyes travelled left, then shifted right. Gazing blankly at people who were filling up the pews. And straight up ahead I caught sight of the +cross+. Was He giving me a sign? Pointing me in the direction I should take? Perhaps so, I thought. Maybe? For on the day I decided to attend church after months of doing the disappearing act these six words were waiting for me…

 

'Follow the inclination of your heart' .

 

Damn you heart.

You're nothing but a puzzle.

A predicament. A dilemma.

A quandary. An impasse.

 

Come today, I'm still thinking.

I DON'T HAVE A PLAN.

And it worries me so..........

I'm like a buoy. Floating and drifting along with the tide.

 

* pause for a bite of reality *

 

No. Let me correct myself.

I DON'T HAVE A PLAN.

And it is scaring me shitless. Full stop.

 

 

 

.:You are my fix BB:.